Enmeshed Parenting
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and
daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you
but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong
not to you."
-- Kahlil Gibran

Symptoms of enmeshed parenting:

* Your children's good or difficult behavior and successful or
unsuccessful achievements define your worth.

* Your children are the center of your life - your purpose in
life.

* Your focus is on taking care of your children rather than
taking care yourself.

* Your happiness or pain is determined by your children.

* You are invasive - you need to know everything about what
your children think and do.

If you identify with one or more of these symptoms, you might
be enmeshed with your children.

Consequences for your children of you being enmeshed with them:

* They may grow up feeling responsible for others' feelings
while ignoring responsibility for their own. They might feel
selfish if they take care of themselves rather than you,
becoming compliant and disconnected from themselves.

* They may use you as their role model - making others
responsible for their feelings rather than being
self-responsible.

* They may feel invaded and controlled by you and withdraw,
resist, or act out in anger. As adults, they may have a hard
time taking responsibility for themselves.

* They will likely have problems in their adult relationships,
both work and personal - being a taker, a caretaker, withdrawn,
angry, and/or resistant.

As a parent, it is vitally important that you have a sense of
passion and purpose in your life separate from your children.
And it is vitally important that you learn to define your own
sense of worth rather than making your children's behavior
responsible for this. It is way too big a burden for children to
be the center of your life. There is way too much pressure on
them to have to act right, perform right, and/or look right for
you to feel that you are okay. Defining your worth through your
children makes them feel trapped in being what you want them to
be rather than being themselves. If you do not have work,
hobbies, or other interests that are very important to you, then
you might be making your children your purpose in life, and you
might be making them responsible for your feelings of
self-worth.

Your children need you to be a role model of taking loving care
of yourself - of defining your own worth and taking
responsibility for your own feelings of pain and joy. They need
to see you as a productive member of society - whether it is
through you're your work, volunteer work, and/or creative
activities and hobbies. They need to feel free to be themselves
and follow their own path without feeling that they will hurt or
disappoint you. They need to know that they can come to you with
their fears, questions, doubts and dilemmas and that you will be
there to help them find their way rather than imposing your way
on them. They need to feel your love and support for who they
are rather than who you think they should be.

You will end up with a far better relationship with your
children if you learn how to make yourself happy and define your
own worth rather than make your children responsible for you. As
adults, they will continue to want to spend time with you if you
are your own person, but if they feel obligated to be with you,
they might resist.

If you are an enmeshed parent, do yourself and your children a
huge favor and start learning to take responsibility for your
own happiness and pain.

About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author
of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah. Join thousands who
discovered loving, joyful parenting! FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome/parenting_help.html.